So many conversations around loss and grief at the moment, whether it be loss of freedom, loss of job, loss of income, loss of friendships, loss of a life we once knew, loss of our health, loss of who we once were…

Grief is often thought about when we lose someone, when they pass away or through a relationship break up, but we can experience feelings of grief from many different losses, ones I have listed just before and simply some of the ones I have witnessed or felt personally recently.

Grief is a unique journey, and sure there are theories, but even they are not going to be the same for everyone, by any stretch. This is your journey with grief, so please please take off any expectations or pressures on yourself as to what you think it should look like or where you feel you are at right now.

There are many many books written on this subject, these are simply ten of my thoughts through my experiences with grief. I wrote more about a recent one here.

1. It comes in waves – You may feel you are in a really big wave at the moment, trust me you will find yourself out the other side of this one.

2. Feel the wave – When you are in it, surrender to it. Maybe this part is like a rip current, you try and fight it, it will absolutely tire you out. Float with it and feel everything there is to feel during this part.

3. It will be uncomfortable – Getting caught in a rip is not going to be the best seaside experience. What you will be feeling during this wave of grief is uncomfortable, it will feel absolutely horrid at times, indescribable, like your heart is going to break open at times. But as with feeling any feelings, the more we can feel them and sit with them, and sit through that the more we can get familiar with the grief and how it shows up. In the post I linked to above, I explain that I was able to recognise that it was grief and that actually brought me some comfort, I knew what I was in for, knew what I needed and was able to make that happen.

4. Inquire – If it’s not overly obvious as to what or who you are grieving, can you bring a gentle enquiry in to the process. Again, in the situation above, it took me a little bit to understand exactly what I was grieving, what was it about pre-covid life that had changed and had an impact on me. If it is someone you have lost, take some gentle time to think about the details, what did they bring in to your life? What difference did they make?

5. Release – I have found with grief there are times that I can put it in a box if I need to and carry on; but that is not a long term thing, it might be to just get me through a day or a particular event; and sometimes that is not possible. Either way there does come a time when we need to release it. The most go-to way is probably through tears, and so let them fall. It may be that there have been other boxes that have not been fully released and so consciously or subconsciously this will be an opportunity for them to be released to.

6. Types of release – Our go-to when it comes to grief and loss can be tears, there are also some other ways of releasing that can help during these times too. You may be feeling frustrated or angry, what could be some ways of releasing that? You may be feeling trapped or alone, you may feel there are some things that need to be said. Could you put them in a letter, or do some journaling, get those thoughts out of spinning around your head? What about getting out for a walk and release some of those feelings that way, make some noise, crank some tunes up. Remember the grief journey is unique to you. It can look like whatever you need it to look like.

7. Grounding – Phew that can all be exhausting. That feeling when you have cried or released in whatever way you have needed to, yes it can empty the tanks for sure. What do you need at that point to ground, to nurture, to nourish. It may be a nap or an early night. It may be a shower or bath to wash away any remnants of what you have been holding. It may be a warm drink or some water. This really is a time for looking after you. Please honour yourself and give yourself time and permission to do that.

8. It is okay to be okay – Coined from the much-used phrase in mental health it’s okay to not be okay, with grief it is okay to be okay. Sometimes we can feel guilt, a betrayal if for a wee while we have put that the grief in a box and experienced some light again. Allow yourself that time, allow yourself that reprieve, allow yourself to recharge, allow yourself to be reminded of what life can be like between the waves.

9. Grief can change you – In so many different ways. This doesn’t need to be a negative. It may give you an appreciation that you may not have had before, it may give you a boost you needed, a new perspective, a change in core values, a change of direction, a mission even. We are often shaped by our experiences, and grief is absolutely one of them. Be open to the changes and what they look like.

10. The price we pay – Grief is the price we pay for love; whether that be the love of a person, a relationship, a friend, something we loved, a life we loved a way of living we loved, self-love. Yes it sucks, yes it is painful, yes it will feel never-ending at times, but give me that any day to a life that doesn’t contain grief, because that would mean I would be living a life without love and that just feels incomprehensible.