She walked along, it was pretty cold and dark, the path was one she had trodden many times before, it was painful on the cobbles, and there was trash everywhere, and it was quite steep, but she knew the way, she had been hanging out here for a while now, she knew what it felt like, what it looked like, she knew the twists and turns, the ups and downs, she knew how people treated her when she passed them in the street, she knew how she reacted to different events, situations or people. It wasn’t comfortable being there on her own, but as I say she knew it, it was familiar…
Then as she came round the corner, she saw that thing in the distance, she could never quite make it out, it looked pretty awesome, but what was it? What did that place feel like? What did it look like?
And as she cut her foot on a piece of glass she thought enough is enough, something has to change, I wonder how I can get to that place? Oh but hang on, how will I know how to act, how to behave, how to respond, how will people treat me? What does it look like, and what will it be like? Feels a bit scary to me, the unknown, how will that work?
She turned her back, muttering to herself about her foot that had become quite sore now, no no stay here, yes it’s uncomfortable, even more so now, but it’s familiar, and she headed back to the world she knew…
The next time, a wee while later, she headed out, same old route same old world, same old safe routine…
She had been setting her intentions for the day, she had been journaling regularly, she had doubled her time for yoga, meditating. She had been rattling off all the things she was grateful for, she had been eating well and spending much time barefoot in the grass. Basically, she had been topping up her tanks and nourishing her soul…
This time sure she had some nay-sayers, some negative people that she passed along the way, sure there was the pull to remain where in that place, but she was feeling confident as she hopped and skipped, keen to get around that corner again…
As she did, she gasped, it looked even brighter and more beautiful than before, and then some of the fear kicked in at the last minute, the voices were telling her that maybe she didn’t deserve it, she actually still didn’t know what it was going to be like, wtf was she doing, and so she took a deep deep breath, she rattled off her gratitudes, she went through the reset process, and she carried on walking, closer and closer to that place…
As she got closer she met some awesome people, they got her 100%, they embraced her ways, her quirks, oh the fun they had, the laughter, the joy, the sense of achievement. Her intuition was on fire, the connection, the belonging…
Sure it took some getting used to, and sometimes she was back over the bridge in that other place, when things slipped, when she wasn’t showing up for herself when those voices got the better of her.
But she had learnt tools and had a taste of what it felt like in that far off land, and she wanted more of that. She smiled to herself some days when she remembered how she thought this might have been scary, well it was scary, it was only because she had never experienced it before.
She wondered why she had never kept up the self-care, why she hadn’t looked after herself and put her needs first, why she hadn’t stuck to all the things she knew would work.
But then she remembered up until that point she was doing the best she could with what she had, and she remembered that she had only recently realised that she was worthy of this new place, just like everyone is, and she had only just started letting go of some of those old patterns and beliefs that weren’t saving her, and she had only just started to build up her confidence, and she gave herself a break, remembering that some wise woman had told her that no one ever achieved healing through beating themselves up…
Thinking back, she realised how much the red walls of her room had made her feel trapped, that the streets that she walked through daily seemed to have billboards painted in red, even some of the streets were painted in red, and wow there were so many signs in red, and people were busy, and angry, and low and down, and frustrated and blaming…
And as she sat on the green grass and noticed the coolness of the vibe around her, she realised the richness of the greens that surrounded her, that embraced her, that made her feel so at home…, she smiled as she looked towards her place of living, and noticed the green roof, and all the veggies in the garden, mmm this felt right, this is where this beautiful, courageous, wild woman belonged…
This journey will absolutely feel scary at times. I would be a fool to say it never feels that way. Dig deep, start with some tiny first steps, do the self-care, start seeing what is out there, a gratitude practice, practice self-love, give your heart some space, and a little bit by a little bit, you will start to feel the difference.
