Mixed Feelings
Yesterday was Positive Thinking Day, and it had me reflecting, because I am often in two minds about this!
I’ve often struggled with phrases like…
“Don’t worry, be happy.”
“Look on the bright side.”
“It’s all about having a positive mindset.”
There’s a cushion in the office that says, “Good vibes only,” and I often turn it around, saying that all vibes are welcome!
What if I’ve got some other vibes going on?
Because what if someone’s world is falling apart? Should they smile?
What if positive thinking starts to feel toxically positive, riding over the top of what might actually be going on?
My concern with these approaches is that they can rule out so much.
They don’t allow space for grief, sadness, fear, loss or whatever else might be going on in the mix.
And I don’t feel that they allow much space for joy, delight or contentment either, because the mask of positivity doesn’t allow for what we’re actually feeling. It only has one face.
And wearing that mask can leave us feeling even more disconnected. Like we can’t be authentic or talk about what’s really going on.
“Yup, all good thanks!”
“Yup, I’m fine.”
Perhaps my struggle isn’t with positive thinking itself.
Perhaps it’s with the idea that some feelings are acceptable and others aren’t.
What if it is about allowing ourselves to feel all the feelings?
So grief doesn’t automatically need fixing.
So we’re not simply told to “cheer up” when we’re immensely sad.
So we’re not told to “calm down” when we’re angry, because maybe there’s something important underneath that anger that needs our attention.
What if none of those feelings have to be wrong?
This is what it is. This is what I’m feeling right now.
And perhaps when there is room for all of that, there is also room for hope, joy and beauty.
Maybe we need Compassionate Thinking Day instead.
There have been times on my healing journey when I’ve tried to bring in positive thoughts or affirmations, only to feed the gremlins because they immediately pipe up with, “Nope. That’s not true.” (And that’s the polite version!)
But what if the thought only needs to become the tiniest bit more believable?
What if gratitude isn’t there to diminish what we’re feeling, but can exist alongside it?
Recently, I had some pretty darn hefty emotions come up. In the past they would have had me reaching for a Jack! These days, it’s more a case of having to feel my way through the feelings.
And this time, instead of filling my time so I didn’t have to feel them, I actually craved the space for them to come up and to hear what they wanted me to know.
I focused on the beauty of where I was. I checked in with my body, heart, soul, mind and spirit. I noticed what I needed. I felt grateful for what and who I had around me.
Would it have worked if someone had told me to “think positive”?
Nope.
But I did get to remember that life can be this AND that.
It can be the tough emotions and the birdsong.
The tears and the hands around a cup of tea.
Sadness and gratitude.
Fear and hope.
Grief and joy.
Maybe that’s the kind of positive thinking I can sit with.
Not pretending. Not plastering a smile over something that hurts. Not deciding that some emotions are positive and others are negative and trying to think our way out of the ones we’d rather not feel.
But allowing ourselves to experience the beautiful ups and downs and roller coaster of being human, while staying open to what else might be here too.
So yes, maybe I can understand Positive Thinking Day.
But not from a “she’ll be right” kind of place.
From a place that says:
This is what I’m feeling right now and I can still stay open to what else might be here.
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