It is often said over here that it is hard to get in the Christmas spirit because it’s so gorgeously hot and sunny, but I also think that it is not so in your face as I remember it being in the UK and I imagine other places in the world. And yes both those things may have had something to do with what panned out, in fact they most definitely probably did, but I’m ok with that.
I was offered some lovely invitations for Christmas Day, but my biggest issue was that I just wanted to be with my family. And the worst thing you could have done at the beginning of December was ask me what I was doing for Christmas = meltdown.
I didn’t know where I was going to be but what I did know was I wasn’t going to be where I wanted to be, home with the family.
Homesickness hit me like a high speed train on speed on oily tracks….
So I ignored Christmas.
Then the Sunday before Christmas Day came and Mum asked me what I was doing, I told her I hadn’t got that far. She said Liz its in five days time….
I then started thinking…. Would it be such a bad thing to spend it by myself. I had been flat out, and the idea of just being able to chill in my space and my time sounded awesome. But on Christmas Day? Really? When I was having my early December meltdowns, the last thing I wanted to do was spend it on my own… Couldn’t imagine anything worse.
I have been on a big drive recently to get to a place where I am truly at one and happy being me. Having been labelled as codependent years ago near the end of a very difficult relationship, it is something that has always lingered in the back of my mind. I remember saying at the time to my partner, “me? Dependant on you? I don’t think so!”
In hindsight is was absolutely spot on. He was dependant on me for support, a roof, money etc and I was emotionally dependant on him. I did not have enough belief and love for myself I had to look for it and try and get it elsewhere, in whatever form that took. Looking back even further this did not start with this relationship. It had gone on a while….
So I decided I could do this, and Christmas 2015 was going to be fully embraced.
As it turned out The Universe sent me an opportunity that I couldn’t walk away from, so after a beautiful morning with me, cooking breakfast for me, myself and I, I went and volunteered at a Community Lunch, and then took surplus food to City Mission in Auckland for the homeless.
Catching up with a friend on the way home I spent the evening back by myself. Did I cry during the day? No. Was I close? A couple of times. But the important thing was I was also close to happy tears. Seeing the faces at the Community Lunch, handing the food over to the City Mission, being proud of me at the end of the day… I fell asleep on the sofabench at the end of the day because I just didn’t want it to end.
Some people don’t have a choice about spending Christmas on their own and I was incredibly grateful to those that extended the arm of Christmas to me.
It was a test, it could have gone horribly wrong, but Christmas 2015 will go down as one of my favourite Christmas Days….. (So far!)
