“My counsellor said that we are codependent” my ex said to me. I nearly hit the roof, me? Dependent on him? Sure, I could understand how he was dependent on me, a roof over his head, money, transport etc, but seriously the other way round? I wasn’t having any of it.

This conversation was long after the happenings in Part 1, and yes we were still together.

He went on to say that not only was I in on this co-dependent relationship, but that my ‘stuff’ had been going on long before he came on the scene…..

If only I knew then what I know now!

There are a few different definitions, Mental Health America seemed to sum up our scenario.

A co-dependent relationship can be defined as “an emotional and behavioral condition that affects an individual’s ability to have a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. It is also known as “relationship addiction” because people with codependency often form or maintain relationships that are one-sided, emotionally destructive and/or abusive.”

It was a few years down the line before I realised that was exactly what we had been in. What I understand now is that my low self-esteem and lack of confidence meant that I needed someone else to seal up the cracks. I needed someone else to help me feel valued, loved and whole, and that is what I got out of it, I got to feel worthwhile, special, accepted and more.

It is an addiction, and whatever was going on in the relationship, however bad it got, and it did, it was still better than the other alternative, being on my own.

Unknowingly we even used to talk about us being like a missing limb for the other person, “you’re like my right arm ” I used to say. “You complete me,” he would reply.

Words that just make me shudder now

When we did split up, and to be honest I can’t actually remember how it happened or what went on, but one thing I know for sure it was not my doing. In my dysfunctional way, and I barely recognise the person I was then, but I was in for the long haul. One day was bawling down the phone to my sister, she reminded me a while after that I wasn’t upset that my ex and I were not together anymore, I was more concerned about being single again.

The things I turned a blind eye to, didn’t want to know, tried to ignore; the lies and the tricks that were played, gaslighting it’s called I found out since.

Cleverly disguised through lies and charm, the way he had me wondering if I was going insane, suddenly I was losing money, couldn’t find things, no longer sure what was truth and what was not.

It wasn’t till going to a fundraiser for domestic abuse, and a friend turning to me saying “I am so grateful I have never been through this”, that I realised yes, I had been a victim.

When we did split up, that void, that black hole, that emptiness was back again. There is the old phrase about wanting a man, not needing a man. But need I did, to replace what was still missing from my life, from me, from my heart. I was back needing someone to take away the loneliness and show me that I was worthy again.

It was only later down the line when on a workshop was I able to understand about codependency and the start the beginning of a very long journey to self-love.

Relationships can last ages in this state, I am grateful in hindsight ours ended when it did, I was just totally oblivious at the time to the restrictions and conditions a codependent life brings. It is not love. Codependency is based on control, and control is led by fear. How can it be healthy on those foundations?

The thing is the gaslighting is not by any means in every codependent relationship at all, there was other things going on in our relationship too. As I said in Part 1, it is not my place to tell my ex’s story. I only mentioned it here to show that despite all of that and being arrested, I was so deep in, I still stayed.

It is only when one person starts looking at life a bit different, or maybe something happens for one person in the relationship, or one begins to question whether this is all there is, or starts to get help as my ex did, that the relationship starts coming undone.

When one or both start giving themselves that true unconditional love, then it is realised there is more to life and more to love. When we start to realise our worth, start to take our place in the world and not seek for anyone/anything else to make us feel whole, that is when the magic really starts.

When we enter in to a healthy relationship, sure, we absolutely have boundaries and ideals for a relationship but they are not absolute musts that are required to fix us, required to seal the cracks, required to make us feel whole.

We need to accept and connect with ourselves first. If I don’t know who I am, how can I expect you to know who I am, let alone to fall in love with me. I can only connect with you when I am a whole person, living and being my true essence.

True happiness does come from within and will not be found when reliant on some thing or someone else.

So yes when people say “Liz, how come you haven’t found a man yet”, “Got anyone on the scene,” I just smile and happily say “Nope, just happy loving me right now.”

I will never forget a phrase I once heard “I would rather be on the shelf than in the wrong cupboard,” and that’s how it will remain until/if I find myself in a healthy relationship. A relationship where my whole heart will come together with another whole heart and truly compliment each other’s lives.