The door slammed and locked behind me.
I was standing there trying to work out what had just happened. No one knew I was there.
It was 3rd January 2010. I had come home from family celebrations back to my place. Shortly after had received a knock on the door, police. Police who were looking for my partner at the time. Things weren’t great between us and I didn’t know where he was, but he was obviously in trouble. They had a warrant to search my flat, and proceeded to do so.
Next thing I knew I am being told that I could either come quietly or they would have to put cuffs on. I don’t know if I said anything, maybe just an ok. I couldn’t take anything with me, just escorted out the building.
They had found some items that I hadn’t seen before and as the flat was my property they had to take me in.
I remember them trying to make small talk in the car. I was just trying to get my head around what was going on. Driven in to the back doors of the police station, and then the process of finger printing. I was so in shock that with my one phone call I rung work. I had hoped to speak to my friend, the other manager. We could have come up with a plan, how to contact my family etc. But he was busy, I could only leave a message saying I wouldn’t be in the next day, and then that was it. My only opportunity.
As they took me to the cell all I could hear was shouting and banging of people in the other cells. They had already arrested my ex and coincidentally he was looking through the flap in his door as I walked past. He was shouting at me from his cell wanting to know what had happened. I was too terrified to say anything. That was when the door slammed. I was on my own.
Concrete bed with a blanket. Toilet in the corner, pen and paper.
It was cold I put my hood up and went to draw the hood in tighter around me, but they had made me remove the cord as a safety measure. I still have that jumper it still hasn’t got a cord in it. And then I just lay there.
Drifting in and out of sleep, unable to block out the noise. I think I did some writing, deep in that ‘how-did-I-get-here’ shock. How had it got this bad, it is not my place to tell my ex’s story, but had really lost sight of what was the truth and what was not.
Morning came as it does and although I was being released I had to wait for them to release my ex first. Under Human Rights he was close to being in there the maximum amount of time.
The next bit is a bit of a blur, I remember getting back to my flat, although I can’t remember how. Going in to my flat and going to pick up my phone, but seems the police had been back as that had gone too.
Using the phone box outside to make plans and try to fathom out what on earth happens next. I was on bail. A few long weeks later was cleared of all charges. Did I leave my ex then? You would have thought so right? But no, it’s not always that easy.
Why am I sharing this now, because it is my story. It is a part of me and my journey, and after a long time I am personally in a place that I can share this. Already I feel I am a different person that I was even eight months ago. I can barely recognise the person I was eight years ago.
Do I regret any of this? Not at all. Yes I do. I struggle with the impact it had on my friends and family. I never meant to put them through anything like this. I felt so out of control. But for me I have learnt it was through this relationship that I understand the struggle of addiction that my ex battled with, mental health, the lengths people go to to escape from life. Through this I also learnt a lot about myself, about forgiveness, about healthy relationships and self-worth. I also believe that we all have a story to tell.
By sharing mine, if I help one person get out of an unhealthy relationship, help even one person to love themselves more, one person to understand that no one can replace the love you need to have for yourself, then this journey and this sharing will have been worth it.
